Purple Power Rankings #405-391: I Think My "Love Machine" is Broken...

405. Undisputed (Rave Un2 the Joy Fantastic, 1999)
--An old, uninspired Chuck D. laying down bars over synthesizers seemingly left untuned since the Controversy days. This one set the disappointing tone of the entire Rave album early on: Bring in an all-star cast, then don't let them do much of any importance. For his part, Prince brings in a boast about starting trends rather than following them, then saddles it with a Moses metaphor. Not the way to get back in touch with the streets.

404. Love Machine (Graffiti Bridge, 1990)
--Elisa Fiorillo's album I Am was criminally slept on. Her turn on this track as the vocal stunt double for Ingrid Chavez's drunken angel? Eh, not so much. Meanwhile, Morris Day and Jerome Benton get roped into being surrogate mouthpieces for Prince's "let's get this chick in a bubble bath" fetish. All three performers deserved better.

Purple Power Rankings #420-406: "Come" Already, Wouldja?

420. Push (Diamonds & Pearls, 1991)
--In which the Don of the Purple Mafia boasts about "snatchin' up kiddies like a circus clown" and uses "asunder" as a verb ("No man should asunder the joy that another man found"). I'm pretty certain both offenses could land one on a watch list of some sort. Much like on "Jughead," we get raps from Prince, Tony and Rosie, and finally Tony finds a beat on which he can outrhyme somebody. (Sorry, Rosie.)

419. The Arms of Orion (Batman Soundtrack, 1989)
--We just keep telling ourselves "it's from a movie." The problem with "Orion" is that it probably has less to do with its superhero source material than any other song on the Batman soundtrack. And very few of them have much direct connection in the first place. This one might have been more at home in a Disney flick.

418. Crazy You (For You, 1978)
--A ballad that casts into doubt some of the reputation of Prince's debut album. The production of For You went too long and cost too much, but "Crazy You" doesn't sound like it took much time at all. It's atmospheric, with some beautiful acoustic guitar work, but it's also a fragment. One clunky verse, one two-line chorus, and we're moving back to the dance floor. Thanks for stopping by.

Purple Power Rankings #433-421: Yes, "Poom Poom" is About What U Think It Is

"Hmm, tastes like...what was her name again?"

433. Until U're In My Arms Again (Newpower Soul, 1998)
--Aural diabetes. A ballad so saccharine, it would make Diane Warren puke.

432. My Little Pill (Old Friends 4 Sale, 1999)
--It's easy to look askance now at any reference to popping pills in Prince's music--and in his later years, there were many, even on otherwise upbeat tracks like "$". This leftover from the aborted I'll Do Anything soundtrack was probably the first, and it's easily the bleakest. This is what depression sounds like, and it was only slightly less disturbing then than it is now.

431. Somewhere Here on Earth (Planet Earth, 2007)
--Prince had an avowed distrust of cell phones, and it left him open to ridicule about continuing to reference obsolete technology ("In this digital age, U can just page me/I know it's the rage, but it just don't engage me"). The singer's Luddite tendencies aside, this cloying ballad simply ends up somewhere close to "Solo" in its overwrought attempts at emotion.

Purple Power Rankings #448-434: How U (Don't) Wanna Be Done

It's hard to question the methods and madness of genius. After all, theirs is a lane which most of us will never be capable of hitchhiking next to, never mind driving on.

Still, even Prince's most die-hard fans can point to the odd track that simply makes them ask, "Brother, what the hell were you thinkin'?" In a career that spanned almost 40 years and probably 1000 songs, released and unreleased by himself and others, there were bound to be several lapses of inspiration.

Even under the restrictive guidelines of this Project, there are quite a few royal missteps. With this inaugural edition of the Purple Power Rankings, we present the most egregious.

448. Tell Me How U Wanna Be Done (Crystal Ball, 1997)
--A pointless remix of the second half of Love Symbol's "The Continental." This was included on Crystal Ball while joints like "Electric Intercourse," "Neon Telephone" and "Wonderful Ass" were bypassed.

This was my most severe bone of contention with the Crystal Ball compilation, as "Dark" and "Pussy Control" also got retreaded with inferior remixes. But their originals rate near-classic status on my board, so they're more forgivable than this waste of time.

447. Wedding Feast (The Rainbow Children, 2001)
--This was aural Russian roulette, as Prince took the chance that his listeners wouldn't simply yank the CD and pitch it into the garbage once this operatic assault began. Points for the absurdist sense of humor ("Not just a vat of chitlins/Or turkey meat U C/We R what we eat/So we must eat a leaf"), but damn. Sticking around was a great reward ("Everlasting Now" and "Last December" are a tremendous closing pair), but how many survived Prince's channeling of Mel Brooks to get there? 

446. Orgasm (Come, 1993)
--"Private Joy"'s guitar line, crashing waves, and 10-year-old squeals from Vanity. Exhibit A for Come's cut-and-pasted reputation.

Get Yo Groove On (All of Them, In Fact): Prince's Songs and the Project

"Dearly beloved, we R gathered here 2day 2 get through..."

...what, exactly? What is this Purple Power Project?

As discussed before, it's an attempt to compare and contrast Prince's different eras and styles, tracking his evolution from doe-eyed charmer to fire-strumming sexual evangelist to label-baiting cypher to grown-and-still-sexy soul man. The central thrust (heh) of this effort will be the Purple Power Rankings, which are exactly what they sound like.

Various publications have done their top 50, 100, or whatever Prince tracks, but here we go all the way. These rankings will encompass ALL the unique songs (448 of them, give or take) from 36 official, widely-released Prince albums. This means:

• The previously unreleased tracks and B-sides from The Hits are included, but other B-sides only found on their respective singles ("Rock & Roll is Alive," "Loveleft, Loveright," etc.) are not. These will likely be broached in their own separate post;
• "Moonbeam Levels" is included thanks to its official release on 4Ever;
• Remixes from other compilations, like Ultimate Prince, are not included; 
• Remixes included on two different albums ("Funknroll," "Pussy Control," or "This Could B Us") are included, but "When 2 R in Love" is not included twice, since it was unchanged from The Black Album to Lovesexy;
• NPG Music Club albums like The Slaughterhouse and The Chocolate Invasion are not included. Neither are N.E.W.S. or One Nite Alone...Live;
• Crystal Ball and The Truth are included separately, despite the fact that the latter was not available separately in the shops. Kamasutra, however, is not included;
• Goldnigga and Exodus are not included, since they're credited to the New Power Generation and lead vocals are mostly handled by Tony M. and Sonny T., respectively. New Power Soul, however, is included because it's a Prince album in all but name, with his picture on the front and his vocals on every track;
• Albums by proteges like Sheila E., Jill Jones and The Time are not included, regardless of his level of creative input;
• And finally, in case you're wondering, yes, the rankings will be revised on the fly once the Purple Rain remaster hits in June. The third disc of Vault gems like "Electric Intercourse" and "Father's Song" will be added.

We'll make the occasional diversion into other topics, to be sure, but everything will keep veering back to the Rankings (or the Big Board, as I'll sometimes refer to it). The current goal is to get out two posts per week, each about 10-15 songs deep. Tell your friends, because I need as many people as possible to keep me accountable.

So, we'll get started in a couple of days with my selections for Prince's 15 WORST songs. What are your picks?